You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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