I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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