I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
