Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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