I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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