Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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