Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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