I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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