WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
pray to the hookup gods
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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