I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
