i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
she woke up with a sticky ear
false alarm. still invincible.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
