remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
