our cab driver is having phone sex.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
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Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
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Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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