Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
