sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm like, not good at living.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
