i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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