I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
