its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you would pick up someone in the library
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
