Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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