i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
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Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
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We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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