I love black thongs
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
