Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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