Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
