he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
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I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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