I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
