Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
