you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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