my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Sober January is a disaster.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
