Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
