i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
