I puked a lego.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
