i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
