She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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