I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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