dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
