I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
