i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
