remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
