I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
