Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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