you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
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if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
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Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize