I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
