Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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