he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
