Cold hands, warm shart.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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