I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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