A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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