hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
