It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
