My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
