i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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