I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Houston, we have a blender
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
