Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
