oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
