If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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