You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I came so hard my ears popped.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
