I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
