I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
